It's just one of those days.
I took a three hour nap and woke up groggy. It was dark outside. I sat there and thought about life and then I went and took a shower.
It's just one of those days.
I got in a fight with one of my best friends yesterday and I'm not quite sure why. He told me pretty much that I was being dumb and complaining all the time, and that I had abandoned the friend that had disappeared on me. It didn't feel good to hear that from him and I still don't really understand where he is coming from. I am willing to admit to the stupid things that I do but, I didn't know that I was doing all of those things and I still don't see it. Maybe it is because I don't want to. He apologized to me and stuff, but I haven't apologized to him. I don't want to. I forgave him but, I am still hurt, if that makes sense.
It's just one of those days.
Other than that, life is peachy I guess. I am going to the movies with my best friend to see "Taken". We are going to be absolutely FREAKED all night :)
Saturday, January 31, 2009
It hurts.
A million thoughts running circles in my head. The bad thing about a circle, though, is you don't get anywhere. No matter what, you end up back at square one. Square one. It hurts.
So, recently, a friend of mine dissapeared. Physically, emotionally, the whole shabang. Well, I know where she is but, even then, a person that doesn't want to be found, wont be. It really hurts. I was always there for her. I listened and I didn't judge. I cried with her and I loved her. I thought that she needed for me for a while, and maybe she did. She doesn't anymore. It hurts.
I feel like falling apart. I don't know what I did wrong. In those 4/5 of me that I hide, I hide well. I feel like I am so shallow to the world around me, the parts that I expose to people are the parts that are easy. Easy is good. It hurts.
When will anything ever be good enough?
It hurts.
Life hurts.
But, tomorrow is only a sunrise away.
So, recently, a friend of mine dissapeared. Physically, emotionally, the whole shabang. Well, I know where she is but, even then, a person that doesn't want to be found, wont be. It really hurts. I was always there for her. I listened and I didn't judge. I cried with her and I loved her. I thought that she needed for me for a while, and maybe she did. She doesn't anymore. It hurts.
I feel like falling apart. I don't know what I did wrong. In those 4/5 of me that I hide, I hide well. I feel like I am so shallow to the world around me, the parts that I expose to people are the parts that are easy. Easy is good. It hurts.
When will anything ever be good enough?
It hurts.
Life hurts.
But, tomorrow is only a sunrise away.
Monday, January 19, 2009
I am still just a kid in a band that doesn't like stupid movies.
It's one in the morning and I am exhausted. I have plans tomorrow at 11. That means that I have to be up by 10. Oh, joy.
I learned a lot today. I still don't think that I have realized how much I learned. The biggest thing is: I am still a little girl. I have trouble realizing that although I run with the big dogs, I am still a puppy. I want to be so mature but, I am still not there yet. I am kind of awkward and still a bit lost. Oh gosh, I am a teenager. Go figure.
Another thing that I learned is being in a band is a lot harder than it might seem. When I first joined the band, I thought it was going to be kind of like the jam/worship sessions that had made up the entire extent of my prior experience. It is so much more than that. I was nieve. Being in a band means that you have to learn how to mesh with every other member. I have to learn to deal with five other people that I always love but I'm not always going to agree with. I have to deal with them and they have to deal with me (bless their hearts ;)). Also, naturally some personalities aren't always going to agree so, you have to learn to move past that and work together. Being in a band is totally worth it but, it tends to be a bit more stress than you would think.
Back to being a little girl, I don't know how this happened but, it dawned on me how much freedom I really have. I was invited to join in on some activities this evening and at first I was totally all for it and I was excited that my parents gave me the go ahead but, as the evening progressed I kind of lost interest. It got to the point where I just asked my parents if I could go just to see if they would let me. I was almost wishing that they would say no, just so that I could go home but, they didn't. It probably doesn't make sense but I wanted that no so badly and it didn't come so, I just went along with whatever I was invited to do even though all I really wanted was to be at home. I am such a home body. So, in the end, I was stuck wishing that I didn't have quite as much freedom as I do have. I am growing up now, I realize that but, at the same time, I want so bad to be a protected and guarded like I was before. I am still a little kid but, I am given much more freedom than a little kid should have. Now, I have to learn how to use that freeedom properly and not just say yes to every opportunity that comes along. I have to be responsible and I still just kind of want to be that little kid.
Hmmm, I watched a movie tonight and I think I would have really enjoyed it had it not been for the screwed up relationships portrayed in the movie. I have never been exposed to really messed up families before and it startled me more than I thought I was going to be shocked when I entered the theater. There was a man and woman living together that looked down upon marraige. Now that I think about it though, marraige is more of a religious thing than anything else so, it shouldn't have been so surprising but, it was. Also, they put "the church" and "religion" in an extremely skewed light with a worshipped pastor and ridiculously impressionable congregation. I didn't like that. Ugh, and the other relationships, marraiges and kinships were so messed up. I thought that it was rdiculous but, it makes me so sad that there are actually people that live with that. With messed up relationships so so so so messed up.
Ok, so basically, I am still just a kid in a band that doesn't like stupid movies.
Alright, I'm done.
Love!
Oh, yeah
I also realized how much I say the words "ya know?"
I think I said that at least 35 times today
I learned a lot today. I still don't think that I have realized how much I learned. The biggest thing is: I am still a little girl. I have trouble realizing that although I run with the big dogs, I am still a puppy. I want to be so mature but, I am still not there yet. I am kind of awkward and still a bit lost. Oh gosh, I am a teenager. Go figure.
Another thing that I learned is being in a band is a lot harder than it might seem. When I first joined the band, I thought it was going to be kind of like the jam/worship sessions that had made up the entire extent of my prior experience. It is so much more than that. I was nieve. Being in a band means that you have to learn how to mesh with every other member. I have to learn to deal with five other people that I always love but I'm not always going to agree with. I have to deal with them and they have to deal with me (bless their hearts ;)). Also, naturally some personalities aren't always going to agree so, you have to learn to move past that and work together. Being in a band is totally worth it but, it tends to be a bit more stress than you would think.
Back to being a little girl, I don't know how this happened but, it dawned on me how much freedom I really have. I was invited to join in on some activities this evening and at first I was totally all for it and I was excited that my parents gave me the go ahead but, as the evening progressed I kind of lost interest. It got to the point where I just asked my parents if I could go just to see if they would let me. I was almost wishing that they would say no, just so that I could go home but, they didn't. It probably doesn't make sense but I wanted that no so badly and it didn't come so, I just went along with whatever I was invited to do even though all I really wanted was to be at home. I am such a home body. So, in the end, I was stuck wishing that I didn't have quite as much freedom as I do have. I am growing up now, I realize that but, at the same time, I want so bad to be a protected and guarded like I was before. I am still a little kid but, I am given much more freedom than a little kid should have. Now, I have to learn how to use that freeedom properly and not just say yes to every opportunity that comes along. I have to be responsible and I still just kind of want to be that little kid.
Hmmm, I watched a movie tonight and I think I would have really enjoyed it had it not been for the screwed up relationships portrayed in the movie. I have never been exposed to really messed up families before and it startled me more than I thought I was going to be shocked when I entered the theater. There was a man and woman living together that looked down upon marraige. Now that I think about it though, marraige is more of a religious thing than anything else so, it shouldn't have been so surprising but, it was. Also, they put "the church" and "religion" in an extremely skewed light with a worshipped pastor and ridiculously impressionable congregation. I didn't like that. Ugh, and the other relationships, marraiges and kinships were so messed up. I thought that it was rdiculous but, it makes me so sad that there are actually people that live with that. With messed up relationships so so so so messed up.
Ok, so basically, I am still just a kid in a band that doesn't like stupid movies.
Alright, I'm done.
Love!
Oh, yeah
I also realized how much I say the words "ya know?"
I think I said that at least 35 times today
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Everyday is a Battle
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert and to keep your head above the water.
I decided aout an hour ago that I wanted to start a blog. So, I made an account, a title and pressed the "New Post" button. Then, I just sat here and looked at the blank page. Maybe I was hoping that if I stared for long enough, the blog would write itself. Well, it didn't.
After staring at it for a bit, a thought flew through my brain. Why in the world would anyone care about what I have to say? You want to know what I did next? I typed the word "everyday".
So, here it is.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert and to keep your head above the water. It would be so much easier if life had an "off" button*. We could escape, regroup, and then reconquer. Sadly, life doesn't have an "off" button. When we fall, we get kicked and when we fail,
we have to push through to the next phase, defeated and terrified.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert, and to keep your head above the water. I used to think that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I also thought I knew which way was right. Then I realized that I don't know what I want and direction is relative. So, basically, I am back at square one praying for direction and purpose. Becca threw up the idea of London... hmmm.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert, and to keep your head above the water. Yesterday I learned that playing mind games are never fun. I also learned that engagement rings are expensive. If I was a guy, I would start saving today.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert, and to keep your head above the water. I never dream about drowning or flying. I rarely dream of falling. Just once, I wish I could dream of that happy ending. You know, the one that can't possibly exist? I could day dream about it. But, day dreaming doesn't feel real. Real dreams feel real. They all do. That's why nightmares suck. You really feel like you are fighting for your life in dreams. Now that I think about it, though, how does that differ from real life? If nightmares can be real life, then so can happy dreams. That is why I want to dream of that happy ending. If I can dream it, it can be real.
Everyday is a battle.
But, you already knew that.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert, and to keep your head above the water. Everday that we survive is a blessing, a reason to thank God.
*thanks for the idea, Chris
I decided aout an hour ago that I wanted to start a blog. So, I made an account, a title and pressed the "New Post" button. Then, I just sat here and looked at the blank page. Maybe I was hoping that if I stared for long enough, the blog would write itself. Well, it didn't.
After staring at it for a bit, a thought flew through my brain. Why in the world would anyone care about what I have to say? You want to know what I did next? I typed the word "everyday".
So, here it is.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert and to keep your head above the water. It would be so much easier if life had an "off" button*. We could escape, regroup, and then reconquer. Sadly, life doesn't have an "off" button. When we fall, we get kicked and when we fail,
we have to push through to the next phase, defeated and terrified.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert, and to keep your head above the water. I used to think that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I also thought I knew which way was right. Then I realized that I don't know what I want and direction is relative. So, basically, I am back at square one praying for direction and purpose. Becca threw up the idea of London... hmmm.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert, and to keep your head above the water. Yesterday I learned that playing mind games are never fun. I also learned that engagement rings are expensive. If I was a guy, I would start saving today.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert, and to keep your head above the water. I never dream about drowning or flying. I rarely dream of falling. Just once, I wish I could dream of that happy ending. You know, the one that can't possibly exist? I could day dream about it. But, day dreaming doesn't feel real. Real dreams feel real. They all do. That's why nightmares suck. You really feel like you are fighting for your life in dreams. Now that I think about it, though, how does that differ from real life? If nightmares can be real life, then so can happy dreams. That is why I want to dream of that happy ending. If I can dream it, it can be real.
Everyday is a battle.
But, you already knew that.
Everyday is a battle to stay sane, remain alert, and to keep your head above the water. Everday that we survive is a blessing, a reason to thank God.
*thanks for the idea, Chris
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